When I was an undergraduate engineering student, I became friends with two fellow undergraduates, Mark and Cindy (not their real names). who eventually married. They were a couple when I knew them, and both graduated in my field of study. Mark was a brilliant and handsome young man who earned a 4-year full academic scholarship which enabled him to live in a nicely furnished apartment and own an automobile. Cindy was the campus beauty with long blond hair that fit the cheerleader mold (she did cheer). Together, they appeared to be the perfect couple destined for a great future together with the possibility of producing attractive and genius children.
They both accepted jobs with an international energy company and started working in the Houston area petrochemical industry. After a year working in Los Angeles, I transferred to Houston, and we reconnected. We both had purchased new homes and discussed our transitions into the real world. Mark was frugal, organized, and tidy. Cindy favored relationships and fun. Mark liked research and technical work. Cindy was technically competent, but eventually moved into marketing.
My parents lived near Corpus Christi and I invited them to spend the weekend at my parent’s home. We drove down together, and I showed them the city and Gulf of Mexico beaches. On the drive down, I felt tension between Mark and Cindy; there was negative body language and little eye contact. One would speak and the other would look away. The usual banter between them was gone. Later, Mark confided to me that they had agreed to divorce after only a few years of marriage. I was shocked. What went wrong?
Mark told me that Cindy viewed marriage as a romantic high between soulmates. After a few years of building a home together, the romance dissipated, and she wanted someone who could elevate it again. The daily drudgery of work and home life took away from the romance. Practical Mark, although a handsome beau and highly competent, wasn’t romantic enough for her. I must confess that I heard only Mark’s side of the marital issues. Both seemed meant for each other because their combined differences made the marriage stronger, not weaker. Separated, they were sub-optimal. Is it realistic to believe that a marriage can only be happy if the couple are romantic soulmates?
Frankly, I don’t buy into the soulmate marriage theory. Yes, there must be romantic chemistry between couples. A good marriage needs mutual attractiveness for the chemistry to work. I watched the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce Super Bowl romance last winter and witnessed their obvious passion for each other. However strong the romantic attraction, it must be complemented by a good working relationship. Travis and Taylor must eventually deal with two complex careers, wealth, privacy, and many other issues if their relationship is to survive.
I met my wife at work when we both worked on a major year-long project. We did not speak often or associate outside the team meetings until our last London meeting when we chatted as we walked to dinner. I learned about her family and love for travel. After the end of the project, I asked her to an event related to our project. There was initial physical attraction, but it was complemented by her selfless kindness and love of family. She quickly bonded with my friends because she focused on others, not herself. She has the gift of connecting with others, no matter their age, gender, or background. She cares deeply for others, especially the homeless, sick, and lonely. I asked her to join me at a church worship service and she quickly became a member. My friends love her as much as I do because she cares for them unselfishly. I see the light of Christ within her. When the romance occasionally dampens, it is our ability to compatibly work together that keeps the marriage on a firm foundation until our romance blooms again.
Our love for one another is enhanced by our mutual love for God as witnessed in Jesus Christ. When we disagree or fail, it is usually the result of selfishness. It is perhaps my worse sin. I spend too much time on personal projects and don’t allow enough space for my wife’s interests. My organizing strengths align with Mark’s while my wife’s interpersonal skills align with Cindy’s. My wife is more affectionate and expresses love more often. Our relationship blooms when I push away the projects and spend time with her. Perhaps this is why the romance peaks when we escape together on a cruise ship or walk together along a Pacific Ocean beach. My wife understands my need for space and intellectual projects. She needs her space too. But carving out time for togetherness is vital for a marriage to survive. It allows us to face life issues together as a team when both members unselfishly contribute their God-given gifts.
Jesus said, “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” (John 13:34) Love is an action. My relationship with my wife started with mutual attraction. She has beautiful eyes, a lovely laugh, a caring heart, and dresses beautifully. But our relationship fails when I become selfish. Love is a decision that leads to action. It means loving my wife’s family (easy for me as they are wonderful), eating at restaurants she desires (a bit more difficult I must confess), supporting her interests (no issues there), and showing affection even when I am distracted by projects (still work-in-progress).
When you pledge yourself to your partner for life, it means that out of all the possible love matches, you pledge your whole commitment to this person. There might be other possible soulmates in the world, but this person is the chosen one. “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other, but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10) These two verses say nothing about being soulmates. It witnesses to love in action. My wife knows that I will always be there for her. She will never be alone until I die. My role is to always remember to pick her up. Hopefully, I will perform this task romantically.
