In the late summer of 2011, I flew from London to Istanbul (Turkey) for a European Federation of Energy Traders (EFET) Board meeting. The meeting started Wednesday night and finished Friday with enough time to catch a return flight to London that afternoon. My mother was in a Houston hospital, and I spoke to her from Istanbul on Wednesday. She was waiting to be cleared to return home. Thursday evening, the EFET Board took an evening dinner cruise along the Bosporus Straits. The Istanbul city lights were dazzling that clear and pleasant evening.
Once our group departed the vessel, we boarded a bus to return to the hotel. My cell phone rang, and it was my sister. She said that mom had been doing well and was cleared to return home, then suddenly was put on a ventilator. My Houston family had gathered at the hospital and agreed to remove the ventilator. My mother was dying, and I was far away. In an hour, my crying sister called and said that mom had died. I was alone in my Istanbul hotel. I eventually reached my wife in London, and we attempted to book flights for Houston. The best we could do was for me to return to London Friday night, as planned, and together take a Saturday morning flight to Houston.
I spent a sleepless night grieving. I blamed myself for being in Europe while my mother was ill. My wife and I had arranged to be back in Houston for her 80th birthday but I could have retuned earlier. I last saw my mother six weeks before her death.
I attended the EFET meeting Friday, notified my staff that I was returning to Houston to attend my mother’s funeral, and spoke to my manager about my travel plans. I spent two weeks in Houston with family, friends, and participated in important work conference calls and critical business activities, before returning to London. Upon my return to work, my assistant walked into my office and hugged me while repeating the same words, “I am so sorry.” I suddenly felt the comfort I so desperately needed.
Later, I learned that my manager was upset that I was away for two weeks. He had gone to Human Resources (HR) and inquired about the company’s grief policy. During my 24 years of service, I never missed a day for grief until my mother died. I was an ex-pat far away from my extended family. Just to see my family and return to London took two days of travel. HR told him to leave me alone.
How are workers allowed to grieve? My father’s generation was told to ‘suck-it-up’ and get on with life. One didn’t show emotions or externalize grief. My father later admitted that this practice wasn’t healthy. In a recent Wall Street Journal (WSJ) opinion, Giving Workers More Time to Grieve in an Era of Loss: As conversations about loss come to work, some companies are rethinking bereavement leave (Rachel Feintzeig, February 7, 2022), Feintzeig states that “the share of organizations offering paid bereavement leave rose to 89% in 2020 from 79% in 2017, according to the Society for Human Resource Management.” Goldman Sachs Group “implemented a new 20-day paid leave for those who suffer a miscarriage or stillbirth.” I had no idea what my corporation’s paid leave policy entailed. I told the people who worked for me to take the time they needed to grieve.
The United States is fast approaching one million COVID-related deaths. Many families were not able to properly grieve and were isolated during the time when it was critical to grieve within a supportive community. Virtual funerals are better than no funerals but being physically surrounded by family and friends is so much better. Being alone in a foreign hotel room makes grieving so much more painful.
Everyone grieves differently and workers need to express how they need to grieve. For some, a day or two off is all they need. For others, it may be a leave-of-absence. A flexible policy is needed. Grieving may be more intense for a cousin or uncle than a parent. Family relationships vary. The loss of a pet for a childless couple may be devastating. Managers must listen and respond with compassion. Few would consider taking advantage of a grief policy to gain a holiday. Emotional pain hurts like a physical injury. It is something we try to avoid, not leverage for personal gain.
Christians are never alone. Even inside an Istanbul hotel, I was not alone. I prayed and when I could not sleep, I opened my iPad to my electronic Bible. I turned to Philippians 2:5–11 and read that Jesus Christ had suffered, entered the lowest point, then rose to the most exalted place. I read the Apostle Paul’s words in Romans 8:18–25 about the hope of fulfillment. I remembered my mother’s faith and knew that she was in the Church Triumphant surrounded by the saints. I had life because of my mother, and I was thankful for her 80 years. Her life had meaning.
Like non-Christians, Christians grieve the death of a loved one. It is a painful experience for all. The closer we are to a person, the more painfully we experience their death. But Christians are a community of hope. We are never alone and know that death does not have the final say. Workers need to grieve to be able to return to work whole again. “Bereavement is a part-time job in and of itself.” Allow workers time to grieve. Show compassion and love towards those in pain. Allow healing to happen.
